The Fox monkey

Fox News

Jesse Watters is an obnoxious punk.

The Fox News blowhard combines the qualities of a know-it-all with the abilities of an imbecile to debase American politics, culture and decency five times per week at 8 pm.

John McCain used to joke that anything is possible in America, and no greater proof could ever be proffered than an image of Jesse Watters on a television set. Even in a full-fledged idiocracy it would be hard to imagine that even the most stultified MAGA apostle would be able to bear the obnoxiousness of a Jesse Watters — and yet they do.

Perhaps they do so because they find his ignorance, blustering, stupidity, preening and rudeness inspiring. After all, if a shit-slinging monkey like Jesse Watters can be on TV, why can’t they?

Doug Ford, the premier of Ontario, decided it would be a good idea to deal with Donald Trump’s assaults on the oldest, longest, undefended international boundary in world history with a master class in platitudes, wishful thinking and delusory rhetoric on Fox News.

First, attention to detail matters. The placement of the flags is incorrect. They would be appropriately placed if Doug Ford was an American governor. Since he is a Canadian premier, and Canada is a sovereign nation, the US and Canadian flags should be reversed.

Second, why would the Ontario premier ever go on American television to be defenestrated by a monkey operating in bad faith who, deep in his heart, would like to see the spelling of Canada changed to KKKanada?

Third, every decent American should think deeply about the arrogance of Jesse Watters and the jingoism. He is the epitome of the ugly American. Cringeworthy doesn’t begin to describe it.

What a disgrace. What an embarrassment.

After a long and difficult slog north from Boston General Benedict Arnold discovered, much to his dismay, that His Majesty’s loyal subjects had no interest whatsoever in joining the colonial uprising. He retreated, and today, near a charming coffee shop in Quebec City, there is a marker that notes the failed American invasion of Canada.

During the first half of the 19th century the great European powers competed against each other for the riches and spoils of the North American continent. The newly formed United States quickly became the dominant continental power, expanding westward and south, at the expense of Spain, France and Mexico.

The dominant ideology of the era was called “Manifest Destiny.” It claimed a divinity that mandated the United States expand until she was a continental nation as much a Pacific as an Atlantic empire. It was American expansion that fueled the inevitable civil war over an irreconcilable issue that had been postponed, but not resolved.

Slavery would cause the greatest and most deadly war in American history.

By the mid-point of the 19th century, only the British remained entrenched in North America. The border that runs along the 49th parallel was fixed in 1846 after years of American bluster that included the infamous campaign slogan of “54-40 or fight!” which would have annexed most every inch of present day British Columbia as part of the Oregon territory, and made Vancouver an American city.

Sometimes our modern era and its comforts, which include relatively easy access to every inch of North America, obscure how new the discovery of every inch is. The US Army was still mapping west Texas mountains in the second decade of the 20th century. At any rate, maps of the Pacific Northwest were sketchy to say the least in 1846. The last and best maps of the region were drawn by George Vancouver, and they were incomplete.

The boundary line was disputed because in reality there were two possible straits through which it could be drawn.

The first is present day Rosario Strait that runs through the San Juan Islands.

The second is Haro Strait that separates the San Juan Islands from Vancouver Island. What this meant as a practical matter was that the last unsettled land dispute between the British and the United States was over idyllic and beautiful little San Juan Island.

The negotiations over the joint claims of sovereignty continued at a languid pace through the 1850s with neither side willing to budge off their claims. By the end of the decade, the Hudson Bay Company had set up shop, and there were upwards of 50 American farmers on the island.

One of them was named Lyman Cutler, a beet farmer. While likely untrue, it is claimed that in the year 1859, Cutler, an American, said the following to Charles Griffin, manager of the Hudson Bay Sheep Ranch, loyal subject of the King and nascent Canadian:

“It was eating my potatoes,” to which Mr. Griffin replied,” It is up to you to keep your potatoes out of my pig.”

Of course these positions are completely irreconcilable, and therefore it was war. The Pig War, to be exact.

The two farmers could not agree on compensation for the pig, and so Royal Marines were sent to arrest the American farmer, who was soon protected by scores of American soldiers. Both sides set up camp on opposite sides of the island, and got ready for battle.

Within a short span of time the situation escalated completely out of control until there were hundreds of heavily armed American soldiers and Royal Marines spoiling to provoke the other into firing the first shot. George Pickett, a Virginian who graduated last in his West Point class, and would lead his divisions into complete annihilation during “Pickett’s charge” at the battle of Gettysburg four years later, was the American commander.

Eventually word reached horrified officials in London and Washington that war was about to break out over a small island in the Pacific northwest.

The situation was quickly de-escalated, and the American and British forces decamped to opposite ends of the island where they quickly settled into a peaceful island lifestyle filled with sports, competition and all manner of socializing.

Yet, the sovereignty of the islands remained in dispute. Ultimately, both sides submitted the matter to international arbitration. Both agreed that the wisest statesman of the time should hear the case. Of course that was Kaiser Wilhelm, and in the end, he awarded the islands to the United States, and set the boundary lines for what had become the longest, peaceful border in the history of humanity.

Each day, American park rangers raise and lower the British flag over their old camp with full honors. It is one of the few places on Earth where a foreign flag is raised and lowered by Americans like that. It is done to denote respect, affection and our shared story.

There were many consequences from the Pig War, including a growing unease with decision-making from far away London. One of the results of the dissatisfaction was manifested on July 1, 1867. Three colonies became the Dominion of Canada, and the world became a better one.

Every American should appreciate the giant country that spans the North American continent from the Atlantic to the Pacific and from the Rocky Mountains to the Arctic. She is the world’s oldest bilingual, pluralistic, parliamentary democracy and a force for human dignity, rights and liberty around the world. Wherever the Canadian maple leaf flies, it is as a symbol of tolerance, freedom and equality.

Canadians and Americans have fought and died with each other from the killing fields of the First World War, Normandy Beach, the Pacific, Korea and Afghanistan. Our peoples have married and raised families together (including me!) that have strengthened the bonds between our countries. We share sports leagues and a vast economy that trades more than a trillion dollars a year across the most prosperous border in the world. The bonds between America and Canada are unbreakable.

More than 50,000 Canadians volunteered to serve in the US Armed Forces during the Vietnam War. Canadians rescued scores of Americans during the Iranian hostage crisis in 1980, and sheltered thousands during the terrifying hours of 9/11. Canadians are our friends, colleagues, partners and spouses. They are our family, and we are theirs.

The Canadian nation is 40 million strong and growing. It is a land of great and modern cities filled with the energy of new immigrants. It is a country of ephemeral beauty.

The birth of Canada is among the most momentous events in human history for it means a land where justice, peace and prosperity was born.

Every single American should be aghast over Donald Trump’s antagonisms and idiotic statements towards our neighbor and most important ally.

Americans should be embarrassed over the bullying and stupidity.

It will get worse. We are responsible for making it stop at the first opportunity, which is the next election. Until then, the position of every patriotic American towards Canada should be to tell Trump and his posse of winged monkeys to back off.

Canadian officials should stay off of Fox News. They seem disoriented around what it is.

Doug Ford was played the role of patsy last night. He would be well advised to recall this admonition from the wisdom of the card table the next time he signs up for humiliation.

Perhaps next time, take a pass. If you don’t, place the flags properly and show some teeth. It’s how monkeys perceive threats. Jesse Watters deserved to see that from the premier. Instead he saw his bright red ass scurrying up the maple tree, and as an American and friend of Canada, I found it appalling, on all sides.

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