"Houston, we have a problem"

Donald Trump nominated Matt Gaetz to be the attorney general of the United States of America.

Donald Trump nominated Pete Hegseth, a boozy Fox News weekend anchor condemned by his mother and credibly accused of rape, to be the secretary of defense.

During the last 24 hours Trump has threatened to invade Panama and seize the Panama Canal, while also making the declarations necessary to authorize US military force against drug cartels on Mexican soil. He also suggested that the annexation or purchase of Greenland is a matter of vital national security for the United States. He continues to taunt Canada, a G-7 nation and a NATO ally, about being absorbed as the 51st state.

The history of these matters is fairly straightforward.

Let’s start with Canada. The final territorial boundary between the United States and Canada was resolved in a mediation led by Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm I in 1872.

The US-built Panama Canal was fully transferred to Panama in 1999, per a treaty signed by Jimmy Carter in 1977.

Here is what the Panamanian President José Raúl Mulino said in response to Donald Trump’s bluster and threats in a statement on X:

Every square meter of the Panama Canal and the surrounding area belongs to Panama and will continue belonging [to Panama].

Of course, there is nothing that could be done if Donald Trump were to ask the MAGA Congress for a declaration of war.

Greenland is an autonomous territory of the Kingdom of Denmark, a NATO ally and geographically part of North America, not Europe, though the 57,000 inhabitants of the island are Danish and EU citizens. The frozen island is 3 times the size of Texas, and one of the richest places on Earth because it is loaded with the rare minerals predominately found in Russia and China that will power the 21st century economy.

Additionally, Greenland will play an increasingly vital role strategically as Arctic ice melts, and the great powers of the world compete for navigational rights and sovereignty in contested areas that were once inaccessible. Greenland is also a vast frozen freshwater reservoir in an era during which fresh water will become increasingly valuable over the next 50 years.

Interestingly, the last land transaction and sovereign transfer of territory for cash that I’m aware of involving the US was with Denmark in 1917. After an effort that spanned nearly 50 years, the US purchased the Danish West Indies for $25 million in gold. They were renamed the US Virgin Islands where one day, almost 100 years later, Trump’s close friend Jeffrey Epstein would own a private island called Little St. James where many young women were raped, trafficked, abused and destroyed.

Because he killed himself in prison — allegedly — Donald Trump was unable to nominate Jeffrey Epstein to a powerful office where he could abuse American citizens and commit evil acts.

In other words, he was no Matt Gaetz, who was replaced by a registered Qatari agent named Pam Bondi as the attorney general nominee because, according to the House Ethics Committee investigative report, from 2017 - 2020, Matt Gaetz:

1. Paid tens of thousands of dollars to women “likely in connection with sexual activity and/or drug use”

2. Had sex with “multiple women, including the 17-year-old, for which they were paid,” citing “credible testimony” from the woman, as well as “multiple individuals” who corroborated the allegation

3. Accepted improper gifts in the form of transportation and lodging related to a 2018 trip to the Bahamas that featured sexual encounters and drug use

4. Used “the power of his office to assist a woman with whom he was engaged in a sexual relationship in obtaining an expedited passport,” even though she was not a constituent

The committee also said that Gaetz “continuously sought to deflect, deter, or mislead the Committee in order to prevent his actions from being exposed.”

MAGA!

Trump’s promise to label the Mexican drug cartels as terrorist organizations gives him the legal authority on US soil to order military strikes on Mexican soil.

This means that Trump might have the United States committed to military strikes in Iran, Mexico, and Panama during his first 100 days. Taking him at absolute face value would require adding Canada and Denmark to the list.

It’s a lot. N’est-ce pas?

Perhaps next year during a Christmas service, Secretary Hegseth can give a speech thanking the families of dead Americans who gave the last full measure of devotion to their nation in an illegal war, while lowering transit rates for Maersk and Mediterranean Shipping Company (MSC) through the Panama Canal. All the while, Trump will raise prices on everything inside the ships. After the speech, he can have a few tequila shots and try to bang one of the widows.

MAGA!

Not to worry though — everything will be under control at the White House on the National Security Council because there is a doctor in the house:

Should the crisis erupt in the Bahamas, don’t worry either. Ambassador Herschel Walker will be up for it — that is if he isn’t holding a gun to his wife’s head or playing Russian roulette.

By the way, did you know that Walker had 12 different personalities until he was cured by a witch doctor from Zimbabwe who specializes in demonic procession?

True story.

And remember, he has a police badge too to ensure your protection:

But all will be okay, according to John Fetterman. In an interview with ABC News’ Jonathan Karl, John Fetterman says to Democrats, “You gotta chill out” about Trump’s second presidency:

It doesn’t seem like that is going to hold up.

Here is why:

Here is the buffoon that the people of Oklahoma elected to the United States Senate to represent them talking about Matt Gaetz before Trump nominated him as attorney general, and afterwards:

Here is Troy Nehls, a member of the United States Congress, a co-equal branch of government, talking about what he will do for Trump:

If Donald Trump says, “Jump three feet high and scratch your head, we all jump three feet high and scratch our heads.”

“Houston, we have a problem.”

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